Saturday, March 10, 2012

why i am in TG support groups

i should really be posting this in genderbridge, but i feel it belongs here, in my own corner of cyberspace, where visitors will not feel so inclined to indulge in pack behaviour, being away form their home turf.
i hope that this reduces the violence of response seen in the 'support' groups.

this is a straight, unedited stream of consciousness. please excuse typos.

i've been asked why i am in a TG support group.

it goes like this.

like it or not, the TG support groups are the first port of call for newly (self) diagnosed transsexual women. Councillors, GPs and internet searches direct people to them. the TG message is so well disseminated that it is unavoidable, and accepted as truth by many.

i have no need of support. I live a well adjusted, happy life. instead, i feel that, given what i've been through, i have the potential to be of great support to others on the same journey as me. i can offer understanding, advice, humour and debate, all drawn from my own life experience.

in the group i have been labelled as 'offensive', 'aggressive' 'stupid', 'boring' etc etc, merely for defending my right to my opinion. Not once has any of the TG people confirmed of affirmed my right to an opinion, lt alone my opinion itself. it is disgraceful. at any stage, one of the moderators, or any of the members could have said. "we hear you, flow. next time we make a blanket statement, we'll acknowledge that there is dissent". instead, i'm attacked and not so subtly invited to leave by presenting the group purpose differently. well, honeys. you can of course remove all dissenting voices through bullying. you'll end up living in a fantasy world, though.

if it wasn't for the fact that i am committed to being available and visible for true TS to find, i'd have left a long time ago. my heart and my gut feelings won't let me run away, though. i am driven to stand my ground and keep being present. if i reach a single TS woman and save her some precious time through sharing my experiences, then it will have been worth it.

so what can i offer. Well. i've been through a lot, and very consciously, for the greater part. I'm aspergers, as well as being TS, and i take a very analytical approach to life, my thoughts, my feelings, other people's actions, social interactions, ideas and possibilities. i'm litereally a treasure trove. not the least because i've made it through. i am happy. i am well adjusted. i have a good job i enjoy, where i am appreciated. i have lots of spare time to pursue my passions, i am heavily involved in community events. i have a lover, and have learnt how to have good sex. i have good friends who love me for me. i've fought battles and won, with idiots, with legal systems, with the police and with myself. i have children in my life, and some very special ones. one of them is often mistaken for my natural daughter, and the love we share is a life saver. i am blessed. now.

it took me a lot of work and effort to get to where i am.

i've worked through realising i was in the wrong body. i lived through the mistake of not doing anything about it, of hiding it. i've learnt through the joy and pain of having girlfriends i loved become lovers because i had the wrong genitalia, i;ve worked through the pain of distance that being the wrong sex causes  with women. i've experienced and understood the games i played to deal with the pain. i've lived though trying so hard to be a boy, of finding ways to express myself. i've been superficially similar to a male crossdresser - being a goth and wearing makeup and dresses so that i could on some level feel pretty, even though i was transforming into a man. i've dealt with attempting to reject my identity, with the increasing frustration, suicidal thoughts, and social isolation of trying to be something i was not.
i've lived through my partner aborting my child, and the immense pain that caused me, knowing that if the roles were reversed i would have treasured and nurtured that life, knowing that it was a cruel joke that it was as it was. I've lived through drug use, drug abuse, suicide attempts. i've lived through discovering that there was an answer, discovering hormones and testosterone blockers. i've thought about and analysed what i would have done if i had only known sooner. i've passed through the psychological games we play with ourselves, every second of every day to support our current situations, to resist regret or self-judgement. i've been through transition, and the social and employment effects of that. i've made many many mistakes that i didn't even realise at the time, and learnt from them.
i've been married, i've experienced the delusions of partnership during transition, and the realities of physical form. i've worked through the TG misinformation, the 'specialness' of the mixed sex phase. i've had surgery, and watched the change help destroy my marriage. i've looked back and seen where my own unacknowledged fears helped in that destruction, and i've taken 10 years to unentangle them and move on. i've worked through the nightmare of surgery gone wrong, and hideous physical side effects and i've dealt with the loss of my potential family, the loss of my mind and the loss of my previously golden touched employment opportunities. i've committed suicide, and dealt with a miraculous resuscitation thousands of metres out at sea. i've deconstructed my entire belief system and rebuilt if from the ground up, harshly examining and rejecting any false or hollow beliefs. i've learnt the fundamentals of communication and acceptance, the importance of and how to create and keep friendships. i've dealt with the temptation to believe that the 'trans' state, 'a bit of male, a bit of female' is some kind of higher space, to think that being trans made me special. i've learnt to recognise that much of my trans clinging was due to fear of failure in being a woman. i've learnt to spot false beliefs by observing my own responses to them being challenged. i've worked through forgiving myself, through letting go of the past, through accepting myself, my life. i;ve learnt to talk to god, i've negotiated until we are both speaking the same language. i've learnt to recognise when the goddess grants me a gift, and learnt to accept it without fighting, to be grateful for the good things that come. I've learnt to dress well, to present well. i've gone from thinking i was instantly spottable, to being instantly spottable and back through to fitting in, despite my 6'2" frame. i've learnt to accept tat my childhood belief was correct. that i had indeed been given the wrong body and that changing it did indeed put things right, but only after i accepted that i was indeed a woman. i've learnt the joy that comes with self acceptance and i've moved past 20 odd years of constant suicidal depression. i've disentangled damaging nonsense form my mind and freed myself from unhelpful gender confusion to become grounded again, in touch with reality. i am grateful.

i've also come to realise that much of the mind/belief work that i did was dealing with false ideas that were put into my mind by the TG literature and TG assumptions of the medical systems. i now have such a clear system that i can rapidly spot when a concept does not fit with my models of reality. i also know the difference between a model flaw and a concept flaw, and am willing to work to change faulty models. i am willing to accept blame for my actions where blame is due. responsibility at all times. i have no excuses for my behaviour and stand by every word i say. at the same time, if i speak badly, i'll acknowledge it and apologise and learn.

i am currently going through the early stages of what has every appearance of being a deep and nurturing relationship. i ahve lots to talk about, share and learn.

so that is why i am in a TG support group. it is to support others. it is to share the small wisdom i have gained in my life journey. it is perhaps to help others shortcut some stages and not waste precious years on silliness or ignorance, as i did. it is to help other TS women to acknowledge that they ARE women, so they can get on with their lives faster, and waste less in stupid gender confusion games. it is to be a voice of experience.

maybe i'm wrong in my opinions, maybe i've reached false conclusions, or maybe i'm completely deluded in all my self-examination.

tell me? are those of you who attack me, who call me names and fight so bitterly when i say "TS is not TG" "TS women are women, and have nothing in common with TG men". are you so sure of yourselves? are you living lives that you are completely happy with, in yourselves? are you well adjusted, happy and alive? are you so sure you are RIGHT? maybe you are, but i doubt that is true for all of you.

so, i beg you. think a little about what i have written. maybe start at the beginning of my blog and read through. in 3 short months you'll see my ideas change, my position solidify. i did not know at the time that the mind work i did was so related to the TG message, its only recently that i've come to realise where it all came from.

notice that i NEVER put a crossdresser down, not even the one that raped me. i put that down to my own naivete. i never say that to be TS is to be better or worse than to be TG. not once. i instead repeat that they are different. perhaps self-reflect. think about where the beliefs about my attitudes, my 'tone of voice' (impossible to impart via written word, unless i were to say "i am saying this in a calm voice" or "i am writing this, seething with frustration" (i'm not, by the way)) come from. are they true, or are they an external reflection of internal unaddressed fears?

please do not paint me with your projections, and then attack and dismiss me becasue of it. i am a resource, one of many, and i pray that i'll be useful. Just ONE TS woman that finds happiness earlier than if i hadn't reached out and i'll be happy. imagine if it were hundreds? imagine if between us we sorted out the confusion of current TG lore - and in so doing helped many TS folk in the future get treatment before puberty, say.

for the TG story IS confused. much of it is self-contradictory. it causes a huge amount of cognitively dissonant behaviours, and demands almost religious adherence. challenges to it produce out of scale emotional responses. all of which is an indicator of incorrectness. what is so wrong with trying to sort it out, with listening to many voices?

so, unless i get kicked out, i'm staying in. i have a right and a need to.
if you want me to argue less, acknowledge my right to speak, and my right to opinions. refrain for personal attacks. if you don't like what i say, resist the urge to follow with a put-down. its not necessary and i will respond. acknowledge that there are dissonant voices. be strong enough in your own beliefs to accept contrary ones. anything else shows that your own are not secure enough. perhaps consider why.

feel free to comment. i doubt any of you will, since this is not your home turf, but maybe i'll be surprised.

NOTE: the link to this blog was removed by genderbridge management.

from their website:
"Definition: For the purposes of the society, a trans person is one whose gender expression or gender identity is at a variance with society’s assigned gender role." i guess that means all well adjusted people are excluded!

1 comment:

  1. Flow
    There is one huge flaw in your thinking that you can "reach" the TG. They are not women! Seriously! The single biggest reason you are on a fools errand no matter how well intended is that the TG to a one are men! (not going to ftm TG for now cause they are NOT men!) Anyway... think about it! You go to the hardware store, you need to buy a widget. You know you need the left handed one but blue or red... hummmm. So as you are pondering one of the clerks comes over, grabs the one you have in your hand and starts a prognostication on widgets and why you gotta have a right handed pink one! As he talks you realize he doesn't know a widget from a whosit! He is taking a little he overheard and then adding his masculine wisdom to this god given knowledge and there you go! He is now and an instant authority on all things widget! Question him on it and he will defend this to the death as the one and only true word of god! Why it has to be it came from his mouth!

    Now imagine he has based his whole life on such nonsense and worse he is in the middle of destroying everything he ever had just to make his man-ism a reality! If he would fight you to the death over false info on a widget... what do you think he is going to do here?

    Hon, what you are trying to do is a huge kindness... but transsexuals are damned rare! Even in a support group your chances of running into another is right up there with winning the lottery... So my advice to you? Save yourself! If and when you have all your own things in order then try to reach out but please! Be careful! Never let anyone who is even possibly TG have any sort of real info on you cause they will take it and destroy everything you have ever worked for!

    MKIA

    ReplyDelete

please be nice.