Friday, March 23, 2012

ejected from Genderbridge

well. it seems that the TG crew decided to eject the dissonant voices.

i've been re-iterating the distinction between physically based TS and gender role based TG issues in Genderbridge, a supposedly inclusive branch of the TG borg.

so they kicked me out. they didn't kick out more influential TS, who were saying the same stuff as me, but louder.

here's what i said to them:

every other post seems to say , or link to a site that says "TS is TG". i know it is a popular view, but it really feels like we (non TG TS) are being told that our voice is to be silent.
it hurts.
i'm really really fed up with being continuously told that i am gender variant. i'm not. i'm extremely clear in my gender identity and have no confusion. most of us are. you don't get surgery if you are in doubt (unless you are insane)
the reason i don't give up is because i feel it is horribly damaging to the mental health of TS women, pre and post op, to be told we are TG all the time.
i guess i had an epiphany - when i shook off the TG programming and just started being myself. 10 years of my life wasted, 10 years living in gender confusion because so many people told me i was.
i can't say who, but a few pre-op early journey TS women are now talking to me regularly _because_ i've been speaking out (and i've tried really really hard to not be offensive in any way - the only time i slipped was when danavixen called me a guy)
they are glad to have found someone who sees things clearly and think its really helpful for them. so i feel that my stance is at least partly exonerated.
it worries me that TG males may become deluded and get SRS (or as it is now disingenuously called, GRS), only to discover how wrong it is. there is no 'spectrum' of gender - being TS is pretty distinct, and it seems only those who have not have surgery ever say otherwise. (even the males who get it and regret it and then start attacking the TS healthcare system)
and i really don't understand why people are feeling unsafe. how can they? i can understand feeling unsafe if you are TS, as we are being continually, personally, attacked. i've not seen any evidence of return fire. in fact, most of the TS women posting are careful to outline how they have no issues with transgendered people.
allowing this to keep being buried when it needs to be addressed is causing a split, when really, common sense and good manners says that what the TS 'separatists' are asking for "don't label us as TG, please" is a perfectly reasonable request. we never say that TS women cannot call themselves TG, only that we are not called it without our consent.

this is their response:
We have reviewed the GenderBridge Facebook group and after complaints by a number of members and concerns by the committee that it was becoming an unsafe place, we have decided to remove a number of members, including yourself, that persisted in attacking groups or individuals, removal was based on those people making the place unsafe by their actions rather than for their specific views – GenderBridge is primarily a support group for all Transgender people where members need to feel safe.

there is definitely a head-in-the sand situation here. I was repeatedly personally attacked, without censor from the admin. when i asked if i was being singled out for accusations of "making people feel unsafe', no one would say anything.
i was honestly confused. was the fuss about me (as i suspected, given the admin lack of censorship of personal attacks against me) or was it about the appalling and transphobic behaviour of several of the TG members? there is no evidence of me attacking anyone - as i didn't. well, maybe one tit for tat with danavixen, who accused me of being full of testosterone and then bitched when i said i was post op, and hence free of testosterone, as if i was pulling some kind of rank.

at any rate, GB has shown it is not inclusive, and has given me and other TS women the ability to stand up to them in public and say "These people do not speak for me".

i worry for young TS who are pulled in and brainwashed by this branch of the TG borg. "we are all the same". i sincerely hope (and will work to prevent) that these kind of groups do not stop a single TS woman or man getting access to puberty blocking drugs. and god forbid one of these deluded TG males decides to get his dick cut off. Evidence says that the sexual fetishistic thrill of crossdressing loses its allure along with the testicles... ( (

so. goodbye genderbridge. you fucked it up, big time. hello "transsexuals of new zealand" , a new group for NZ transsexual men and women to offer support free of the TG nightmare. We have no free phone number yet, but most of us are available for conversation, support, advice and shared experience.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

lets make it clear once again

TS women are women. they confirm to the gender binary.

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

TG 'gender queer' are not women. they do not conform to a gender binary so they have no right to demand that a gender binary term be applied to them. that is self-contradictory (or, as we like to say down here in hokitika, bullshit). perhaps we can give them a new name. wait, we did. 'trans-gender'.

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

Cis identified women are women. they conform to the gender binary

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

cis identified men are men. they conform to the gender binary

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

TG 'gender queer' are not men. they do not conform to a gender binary so they have no right to demand that a gender binary term be applied to them. that is self-contradictory (or, as we like to say down here in hokitika, bullshit). perhaps we can give them a new name. wait, we did. 'trans-gender'.

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

TS men are men. they conform to the gender binary.

in this world, shaped by feminist thought, they are free, like all people, to chose social and gender roles as they see fit. they may get a bit of grief about it

why i am in TG support groups

i should really be posting this in genderbridge, but i feel it belongs here, in my own corner of cyberspace, where visitors will not feel so inclined to indulge in pack behaviour, being away form their home turf.
i hope that this reduces the violence of response seen in the 'support' groups.

this is a straight, unedited stream of consciousness. please excuse typos.

i've been asked why i am in a TG support group.

it goes like this.

like it or not, the TG support groups are the first port of call for newly (self) diagnosed transsexual women. Councillors, GPs and internet searches direct people to them. the TG message is so well disseminated that it is unavoidable, and accepted as truth by many.

i have no need of support. I live a well adjusted, happy life. instead, i feel that, given what i've been through, i have the potential to be of great support to others on the same journey as me. i can offer understanding, advice, humour and debate, all drawn from my own life experience.

in the group i have been labelled as 'offensive', 'aggressive' 'stupid', 'boring' etc etc, merely for defending my right to my opinion. Not once has any of the TG people confirmed of affirmed my right to an opinion, lt alone my opinion itself. it is disgraceful. at any stage, one of the moderators, or any of the members could have said. "we hear you, flow. next time we make a blanket statement, we'll acknowledge that there is dissent". instead, i'm attacked and not so subtly invited to leave by presenting the group purpose differently. well, honeys. you can of course remove all dissenting voices through bullying. you'll end up living in a fantasy world, though.

if it wasn't for the fact that i am committed to being available and visible for true TS to find, i'd have left a long time ago. my heart and my gut feelings won't let me run away, though. i am driven to stand my ground and keep being present. if i reach a single TS woman and save her some precious time through sharing my experiences, then it will have been worth it.

so what can i offer. Well. i've been through a lot, and very consciously, for the greater part. I'm aspergers, as well as being TS, and i take a very analytical approach to life, my thoughts, my feelings, other people's actions, social interactions, ideas and possibilities. i'm litereally a treasure trove. not the least because i've made it through. i am happy. i am well adjusted. i have a good job i enjoy, where i am appreciated. i have lots of spare time to pursue my passions, i am heavily involved in community events. i have a lover, and have learnt how to have good sex. i have good friends who love me for me. i've fought battles and won, with idiots, with legal systems, with the police and with myself. i have children in my life, and some very special ones. one of them is often mistaken for my natural daughter, and the love we share is a life saver. i am blessed. now.

it took me a lot of work and effort to get to where i am.

i've worked through realising i was in the wrong body. i lived through the mistake of not doing anything about it, of hiding it. i've learnt through the joy and pain of having girlfriends i loved become lovers because i had the wrong genitalia, i;ve worked through the pain of distance that being the wrong sex causes  with women. i've experienced and understood the games i played to deal with the pain. i've lived though trying so hard to be a boy, of finding ways to express myself. i've been superficially similar to a male crossdresser - being a goth and wearing makeup and dresses so that i could on some level feel pretty, even though i was transforming into a man. i've dealt with attempting to reject my identity, with the increasing frustration, suicidal thoughts, and social isolation of trying to be something i was not.
i've lived through my partner aborting my child, and the immense pain that caused me, knowing that if the roles were reversed i would have treasured and nurtured that life, knowing that it was a cruel joke that it was as it was. I've lived through drug use, drug abuse, suicide attempts. i've lived through discovering that there was an answer, discovering hormones and testosterone blockers. i've thought about and analysed what i would have done if i had only known sooner. i've passed through the psychological games we play with ourselves, every second of every day to support our current situations, to resist regret or self-judgement. i've been through transition, and the social and employment effects of that. i've made many many mistakes that i didn't even realise at the time, and learnt from them.
i've been married, i've experienced the delusions of partnership during transition, and the realities of physical form. i've worked through the TG misinformation, the 'specialness' of the mixed sex phase. i've had surgery, and watched the change help destroy my marriage. i've looked back and seen where my own unacknowledged fears helped in that destruction, and i've taken 10 years to unentangle them and move on. i've worked through the nightmare of surgery gone wrong, and hideous physical side effects and i've dealt with the loss of my potential family, the loss of my mind and the loss of my previously golden touched employment opportunities. i've committed suicide, and dealt with a miraculous resuscitation thousands of metres out at sea. i've deconstructed my entire belief system and rebuilt if from the ground up, harshly examining and rejecting any false or hollow beliefs. i've learnt the fundamentals of communication and acceptance, the importance of and how to create and keep friendships. i've dealt with the temptation to believe that the 'trans' state, 'a bit of male, a bit of female' is some kind of higher space, to think that being trans made me special. i've learnt to recognise that much of my trans clinging was due to fear of failure in being a woman. i've learnt to spot false beliefs by observing my own responses to them being challenged. i've worked through forgiving myself, through letting go of the past, through accepting myself, my life. i;ve learnt to talk to god, i've negotiated until we are both speaking the same language. i've learnt to recognise when the goddess grants me a gift, and learnt to accept it without fighting, to be grateful for the good things that come. I've learnt to dress well, to present well. i've gone from thinking i was instantly spottable, to being instantly spottable and back through to fitting in, despite my 6'2" frame. i've learnt to accept tat my childhood belief was correct. that i had indeed been given the wrong body and that changing it did indeed put things right, but only after i accepted that i was indeed a woman. i've learnt the joy that comes with self acceptance and i've moved past 20 odd years of constant suicidal depression. i've disentangled damaging nonsense form my mind and freed myself from unhelpful gender confusion to become grounded again, in touch with reality. i am grateful.

i've also come to realise that much of the mind/belief work that i did was dealing with false ideas that were put into my mind by the TG literature and TG assumptions of the medical systems. i now have such a clear system that i can rapidly spot when a concept does not fit with my models of reality. i also know the difference between a model flaw and a concept flaw, and am willing to work to change faulty models. i am willing to accept blame for my actions where blame is due. responsibility at all times. i have no excuses for my behaviour and stand by every word i say. at the same time, if i speak badly, i'll acknowledge it and apologise and learn.

i am currently going through the early stages of what has every appearance of being a deep and nurturing relationship. i ahve lots to talk about, share and learn.

so that is why i am in a TG support group. it is to support others. it is to share the small wisdom i have gained in my life journey. it is perhaps to help others shortcut some stages and not waste precious years on silliness or ignorance, as i did. it is to help other TS women to acknowledge that they ARE women, so they can get on with their lives faster, and waste less in stupid gender confusion games. it is to be a voice of experience.

maybe i'm wrong in my opinions, maybe i've reached false conclusions, or maybe i'm completely deluded in all my self-examination.

tell me? are those of you who attack me, who call me names and fight so bitterly when i say "TS is not TG" "TS women are women, and have nothing in common with TG men". are you so sure of yourselves? are you living lives that you are completely happy with, in yourselves? are you well adjusted, happy and alive? are you so sure you are RIGHT? maybe you are, but i doubt that is true for all of you.

so, i beg you. think a little about what i have written. maybe start at the beginning of my blog and read through. in 3 short months you'll see my ideas change, my position solidify. i did not know at the time that the mind work i did was so related to the TG message, its only recently that i've come to realise where it all came from.

notice that i NEVER put a crossdresser down, not even the one that raped me. i put that down to my own naivete. i never say that to be TS is to be better or worse than to be TG. not once. i instead repeat that they are different. perhaps self-reflect. think about where the beliefs about my attitudes, my 'tone of voice' (impossible to impart via written word, unless i were to say "i am saying this in a calm voice" or "i am writing this, seething with frustration" (i'm not, by the way)) come from. are they true, or are they an external reflection of internal unaddressed fears?

please do not paint me with your projections, and then attack and dismiss me becasue of it. i am a resource, one of many, and i pray that i'll be useful. Just ONE TS woman that finds happiness earlier than if i hadn't reached out and i'll be happy. imagine if it were hundreds? imagine if between us we sorted out the confusion of current TG lore - and in so doing helped many TS folk in the future get treatment before puberty, say.

for the TG story IS confused. much of it is self-contradictory. it causes a huge amount of cognitively dissonant behaviours, and demands almost religious adherence. challenges to it produce out of scale emotional responses. all of which is an indicator of incorrectness. what is so wrong with trying to sort it out, with listening to many voices?

so, unless i get kicked out, i'm staying in. i have a right and a need to.
if you want me to argue less, acknowledge my right to speak, and my right to opinions. refrain for personal attacks. if you don't like what i say, resist the urge to follow with a put-down. its not necessary and i will respond. acknowledge that there are dissonant voices. be strong enough in your own beliefs to accept contrary ones. anything else shows that your own are not secure enough. perhaps consider why.

feel free to comment. i doubt any of you will, since this is not your home turf, but maybe i'll be surprised.

NOTE: the link to this blog was removed by genderbridge management.

from their website:
"Definition: For the purposes of the society, a trans person is one whose gender expression or gender identity is at a variance with society’s assigned gender role." i guess that means all well adjusted people are excluded!

Friday, March 9, 2012


is a big word. it means "Etiology (alternatively aetiology, aitiology /tiˈɒləi/) is the study of causation, or origination. The word is derived from the Greek αἰτιολογία, aitiologia, "giving a reason for" (αἰτία, aitia, "cause"; and -λογία, -logia).[1]", to quote the wiki.
so what about it?

back over in the insane world of the TG, i've been standing my ground firmly against all sort of personal attacks. it seems that to say "TS and TG are NOT the same" is akin to shouting "lucifer fathered my babies" in church. it gets you a lot of shit. unlike the latter phrase, "TS are NOT TG" is TRUE.

yup, my insane TG friends, you are not i.

hence the big word. this is another attempt at trying to open the minds of the terminally blind. doomed to failure because none of them can be bothered to read my blog. THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT I THINK! amazing, huh. that's why they can get so upset about my offensive attitudes, as they have already decided what they are. handy for them and their nonsensical arguments, not so handy for me or the rest of the well-adjusted world.

what would they do if they learnt that (shh.) my FAVOURITE boy and oh god i wish he were straight (he may be, who knows) is andrej. ( is that not the sexiest male thing alive? obviously i mustn't fancy him, because he's a straight up male crossdresser. apparently i dont like them.

what they are missing is that i don't dislike anybody in general, only specific people for acting in specific ways. one of the ways that pisses me off is to tell me that i'm something, because of reasons that i don't agree with. for example. "You are TG, because you have/had a gender role disorder". well, you know where you can stick that statement. i never had a role disorder, i had a PHYSICAL disorder which i got fixed.
or. "You are TG because we share a hobby". apparently crossdressing for men is the same as wearing the right clothes for girls. well, you can go play dress ups in your male fantasy idea of the perfect woman's clothes if you like. i'm jsut going to get on with my life.

so, the long word. aetiology. the origins,

Transgenderism is a construct of society. it (and to quote the endless TG borg literature) "is a dissonance between gender identity (an internal) and social gender role".

so, if you took away social roles (say, let girls and boys wear what they lie, do what they like and call themselves what they like) then there would be NO DISSONANCE. hence no transgenderism.

simple? i reckon.

transsexualism requires no society. it requires a simple recognition of body parts. even if we were playing gender role games to our heart's content.,we'd STILL HAVE TRANSSEXUALISM until we got our physical body parts fixed.

so. TS is based in the physical (ie, what's between your legs) and TG in the mental (whatever bizarre ideas you may or may not have about male and female roles in society). totally DIFFERENT issues.

not even CLOSE.

that is why the 'spectrum' is such rubbish. that is why the lumping of TS and TG is so infuriating. that is why TS can get surgery and then get legal recognition. we are cureable and down to earth.

so STOP lumping us together. look at all the TS girls who transitioned before puberty. see and gender disphoria in them? no way, they are all happy members of society, or at least, normal members, given that depression, suicide, eating disorders etc etc exist in all populations. they don't look like crossdressers, because they never had male puberty. they are the true, beautiful, face of TS. WOMEN.

those of us who were not that lucky got Testosterone damage. so we may, superficially, look like the CD, drag or other male gender benders. that is on the surface. inside we are the same as any woman.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

the more scary "truth" test

the magic machine test was for us to take individually. helps you know yourself. important stuff!

the truth test is far scarier. (this is for TG and TS folk) it help you know how others see you.

simply go out, and be, in the world. cross paths with children.

if there is someone who is pretty definitely going to tell you the unadulterated, bare, hurtful truth, its a person under 5.

if you hear "mummy, why is that man wearing a dress?" then you know you are failing to fit. it happens to us all. when it happens to me i take stock of my recent attitude, feelings and behaviours and knock any stray male learnt patterns on the head. it hasn't happened in a long time, thank god.

if you hear "mummy, why does that lady have a bump on her neck?" then you know that despite being built like a bloke, you've passed. a sad, miserable passing, but still a pass. pyrrhic? well, yes. damn that puberty.

if the kid treats you like anyone else, then you are just fine.

if a kid runs up to you, throws their arms around you and says "i want you to be my new mummy", well, then you know all is right in the world. apart, perhaps, from the kid.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

the "Magic Machine" test

over in the facebook group "Post Trans Normality", we've been digging over old ground. what makes someone TS?

its pretty tiresome. seems that everybody and their dog wants inclusion. Why, i don't know. is there some kudos in being totally screwed by life that i've missed?

the arguments/excuses for not having surgery are endless and repetitive. we hear blame being heaped on money, on access, on surgical complications that prevent, etc etc. we have demands that it is not what is between your legs that makes you female.


that's the WHOLE POINT. transsexual women are born with willies, and they DON'T WANT THEM.
if you DO want one, then you are NOT transsexual. you may be transgendered. that's cool too. nothing wrong with being transgendered. it should be a much better thing than to be transsexual, you have so many more options.

so. the 'magic machine test'.  its well simple (excuse my reversion to a london accent):

imagine there is a magic machine. it has a door. you can go inside once. inside there is a big red button. if you press it, your body is instantly and irreversibly changed from one sex to the other.

would you press the button?

if the answer is NO then you are NOT transsexual. easy, huh?

if the answer is YES, then you probably are transsexual. that or you have some kind of extreme fetish, or are insatiably curious, or perhaps you've lived a long life as one sex and fancied a change. or maybe you hate your life and are running from something.

so it is not a conclusive YES, you are TS, but at least the NO is clear. i got the test from a dream. i was in a fairground, with my cousin. it was by the banks of a river, and there was this large container like building. it had the red button. i could see it through the door. i knew what it did, as it was explained to me somehow, along with lots of warnings about  how you couldn't undo the change. i pressed the button, but nothing happened. i dreamt that dream a few times, pressing the button again and again, but kept on waking up unchanged. heartbreaking stuff. and then puberty hit.

this post is really for those TG people out there who desire to be seen as TS. its an easy question to ask yourself. you can ask other people it too, and get them to explain their choices. i've met some girls (who were interrogating me in a peckham parking lot one day) who would jump at the chance to be boys - for the power it would give them. if they'd been born that way there was no way that they'd change.

not so easy for me is understanding the desire to be TS. why want to be something you are not? especially something that ties you to a hormonally destroyed body, endless social difficulties, the threat of danger / death and having NO OPTION.

Did i desire something i was not, in my journey? maybe. i was not born female. i just (always)  believed that i was supposed to have been. i wanted to be. and now i am. mostly. did i desire to be TS? no. absolutely not. who in their right mind would? it was a relief to know there was such a thing, because it meant there was a way out form the unhappiness that had made me suicidal since puberty. surgery. not a sure bet (the results of the surgery might be awful, and then there is the passing issue), but better than nothing.

does that mean we can reclassify?
transsexualism is the desire to be female?
transgenderism is the desire to be transsexual?

since there is a cure for transsexualism (surgery), perhaps there might be a cure for transgenderism. i get the feeling that that one is a wee bit more difficult, and requires either a massive change in society, or a massive change in the head of the transgendered individual to accept who they are. its almost the universal cure, anyway. accept who and what you are.

if you are a woman, born as a man, then accept that, and go get the help you need, as soon as you can. the sooner the better. stop pretending to BE a man:

if you are a man, who likes to play at being a woman. then accept that, and enjoy it. stop pretending to BE a woman.